The Supreme Caudillo, Brigadier General Barack H. Obama, addressed the troops today prior to waving goodbye as they deployed to Afghanistan. A replay of his earlier speech to West Point cadets it was a sonorous event. There are no reports of anyone being bitch-slapped like happened with Patton. And in contrast to Tiger Woods and baby seals everywhere, not one of the troops was clubbed by a Norwegian.
I Am Proud to Lead You Men to the Nearest Off-Ramp
Brigadier General Barack H. Obama
Supreme Allied Commander-in-Chief, Operation Minivan Pool
At ease, men.
As your battalion commanders and General Axelrod have already briefed you, you embark today on an important mission to the Af-Pak Theater. The success of this mission will not only insure the future of democracy and human civilization, but also my Gallup net favorable index. I have every confidence that you will succeed in this great educational field trip, because you represent the finest right-sized, nonviolent time killing force ever assembled.
Arrayed behind me are the mighty Minivans of Democracy that you will soon be loading. These are America’s great 5-star crash rating arsenal of multilateral understanding. And as your supreme commander-in-chief, it is my great honor, privilege, and turn to serve as your pool driver, because Michelle has her Pilates class this afternoon. Now, as our rendezvous with destiny approaches, let me say that I am every bit as proud of you fine young soldiers and Marines as I am when I take Malia and Sasha to gymnastics. Okay, let’s all pair up with a buddy and line up double file for the vans.
If Obama truly tried to wore that many medals he would collapse under the weight.